How to Get Away With Murder

Hello you wonderful strangers. I've decided to share some of my top tips on how I get away with murder. You may think I mean figuratively - how to slide your way out of a sticky situation. I don't.

Now let's get something straight right away. I am a serial killer. This means I don't kill people I know. I am one who contributes to the 20% of murders of which the victim did not know their killer. So my advice here is pretty specific to killing someone you don't know. Rather than some idiotic, impulsive murder of your husband and his mistress, when you just walked in on them...well you know. I hate to break it to you - chances are you'll end up behind bars. No, these tips and tricks are for the clever and organised people out there. Like me.

So let's get started.

I hope you enjoyed my blog. Hey it was kind of fun, maybe I'll keep at it. Oh and let me know if any of these work for you...

  1. Don't know the person. I know I basically already implied this but for Christ's sake make sure you come across them by chance. Not someone that your friend introduced you to at a party. Not your boyfriend's sister's friend. Not even your second cousin's niece's daughter's dog's friend. Do you see where I'm going with this? You mustn't have any connection to them.

  2. Do your research. As with anything worth having in life - it doesn't come easy. Once you have picked, you need to get to know everything about them. Who their friends are, where they get coffee before work, what time they get home, who are their enemies. Not only will this help you in the lead up to the night - since there shouldn't be any surprises - but it can also help you afterwards so that you can tie everything in a neat little bow. If they're having issues with their volatile, drug-using uncle, hey it wouldn't hurt to throw some needles around.

  3. Avoid the cameras. Now, if you know me you know that I definitely love the limelight, but in this case, I have to swallow my want for attention. Check that there isn't any CCTV. And if there is? Well, be prepared for it. Know the angles it captures and avoid it.

  4. Timing is key. My suggestion for your optimum window would be 2am-4.30am. This is when there is the least activity on the streets. Most of the drunkards have plodded home, most early-risers will leave not much before 5am. So, you have a huge advantage since there is very little chance of eyewitnesses.

  5. Park far. If their place of residence is far from you (which it should be, by the way) then don't be lazy. Park at least a mile away and walk the rest. You really want your bright yellow mini seen directly opposite their house?

  6. Go to their territory. Now, for me this is a biggy. A lot of people might disagree, say that they would prefer to be in an environment they know and are comfortable with. Translation; they like to be in a place with their wretched stench, fingerprints and skin cells all over it.

  7. Use their weapons. I know this is all very exciting and I'm sure you want to get all jigsaw-esque. But think about it - do you really want Bear Trap and Serrated Butcher's Knife on your most recent search history? No. Better still, do you want there to be even more chance that your DNA is all over the murder weapon, since you have been handling it since it was delivered to your house? No. Use their possessions. It can actually add a little excitement - you can get creative.

  8. Leave no trace. This one should really be a given, but don't come in hot pants and a t-shirt, with your hair loose and your fingers just printing wherever you go. Wear a hat. Wear gloves. Wear contact lenses. And most of all - wear a wig. Wear a wig made of real hair, so that if any falls out, you can really take the police for a ride. Trust me I've done it - it's wildly amusing.

  9. No tracks. Don't wear your brand new custom Nikes with a little heart on the sol and your initials on the heel. You may think it was a good Christmas present. It wasn't. Wear the crappy plimsolls that you forgot about since school. They're completely worn down and you're pretty sure the print on the bottom of them is a very distant memory.

  10. Don't move the body. This is a slightly unpopular opinion. Everyone's natural instinct would be to bury the body - hide it. No body, no crime. While this is true, the chances that you, an amateur, can successfully get rid of a body without breaking a sweat, ending up leaving some sort of DNA or clues of any sort. Well, those chances are low. So don't try and think you're some expert who can outsmart the police. Otherwise all this prep will have been for nothing.

  11. Burn everything. Last but not least - get rid of it. Don't bag it and chuck it - burn it. No on can test for DNA from ashes. Some people like to keep souvenirs. These people are in jail.